I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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