"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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