Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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