Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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