What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
