Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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