she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
