ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
