Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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