My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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