i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
