last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
