did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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