Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
