she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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