you guys were way drunker than both of me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
