just tell him i said nine months
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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