so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
