God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Randomize
