After last night, I could never be a politician.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
