I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
