Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
