I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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