so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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