My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I checked into jail on foursquare
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
