Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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