I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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