my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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