Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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