thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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