you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
