I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
