Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.