MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
