Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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