guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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