hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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