get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
