can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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