Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
