how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
