i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
being pregnant is like rehab
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
