I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we're making bets on your personal life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
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