I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
