It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
