did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you never un-have a 4some
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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