the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
