Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
