i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
