I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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