I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
