all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
