I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
