checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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