god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
