I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
