4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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