is your mom at the bar?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
