I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
