This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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